Drunk Chinamen

Most of the time my colleagues and I will be attending the needs of the drunk and disorderly on a regular basis when the weekend starts (Thursday night - or Monday night if it's Summer). We ask them if they have had a drink tonight, sir/madam, and convince them that they can, (a) walk away - no harm done, (b) come with us to hospital and waste everyone's time and money or (c) get arrested for doing neither A nor B. Those options have always been offered to the 'usual suspects'. Recently, however, I have noticed a growing number of our Chinese friends getting in on the act.

My first call of the night was to a 'man cutting his head with glass'. He was seen acting in this erratic manner by police, who subsequently approached and told him to stop it. Then they called an ambulance because he must be mad if he is doing this, right? When I arrived I inspected the damage caused by the self-glassing. He had scratches on the top of his cranium - nothing to write home (to Poland, incidentally) about and certainly nothing to treat. He did go to hospital though, he had issues. He was depressed and had nowhere to live. As you know, I have a lot of sympathy for those in need of shelter, especially on a cold night but I wondered why he wanted to be in this country at all if he couldn't survive. Surely he had family and friends at home?

On my way back to the station I saw a mob of skaters (the roller-blade type, it wasn't that cold) scooting down Charing Cross Road. It looked like they were either demonstrating their constitutional right to skate down the middle of a busy and dangerous road or they were mutually lost.

Then a call to an unconscious 16 year-old female. She was lying in the street with her personal belongings scattered around her. On closer inspection, her belongings consisted of far too many condoms for a young lady. She didn't look as young as sixteen but she was either an enthusiastic collector of condoms, very sexually active, or a working girl. She was drunk or stoned or both and needed to be scraped off the pavement by myself and the attending crew. When I had done what was required of me, I sat in the car doing my paperwork. I heard a crash and a raised voice and looked up to see a young Chinese man punching the air and pushing into the street crowds. He had just upset some rubbish bins and was aggressively laying into anything inanimate that obstructed his path. I watched him disappear into Chinatown.

What is it with parents who let their kids out late in dangerous parts of town? I saw a little gang of ten-year-olds wandering around Leicester Square well after midnight. No adult supervision. No safe guidance. Not enough clothes on and way too many creepy blokes wandering around in the same arena with them. I would be worried sick if my young daughter was out this late. Am I old fashioned or am I making sense?

As I sat on the Square wondering what the world was coming to and imagining the licensing system that we needed for parenting in the future, I received a call for an 'unconscious female'. The location was nearby so it took me a minute to get there. I arrived to find four Christian leaflet distributors gathered around an intoxicated lady who was crouching and crying in the doorway of a restuarant. She told me she didn't want me there as soon as I opened my mouth to say hello and so I called Control and cancelled the ambulance. I wasn't wasting any time with this if I didn't have to. The Christians told me that she had been here for a while and that she was not well. I suggested she was just panicking and drunk but the Christians were not convinced.

"She has a fever", the tall lady Christian said

"How do you know madam, do you have a thermometer?", I asked (politely of course)

"No but she must be ill"

"She is panicking and hyperventilating, that's all."

I wasn't going to have a stand-up debate in the street and besides, there were more Christians than Scotsmen on scene and I know when I'm beat! I persuaded them all that I was in control now and that there was nothing to see here. I thanked them, they thanked me and off they went to drum up more business for Jesus.

It turns out the woman had lost her friend and her wallet had gone missing in a club. She was a very fragile soul with other issues going on in her life, as she confessed later. She had been drinking and that never helps when you are already depressed, so she was crying and hyperventilating and all she needed was a quiet voice and a bit of reassurance. I had the restaurant open its now locked doors so that she could use the loo and she became much calmer after that. We sat and chatted and she decided to use her Oyster card to get the bus home. That, for me, was a successful call and it didn't cost the taxpayer much either.

I sat with my beloved paperwork and I noticed, out the corner of my eye, that a cyclist had stopped at the passenger side window to look in at me. I wound the window down and he nodded and smiled.

"London's too dangerous now", he said, "too many nutters - they're all mad".

As he cycled off at a 45 degree angle across the haymarket traffic, I had to agree.

I spent the shift with a plaster on my thumb because I sliced it open on something earlier and it wouldn't stop bleeding. Annoying little paper-cut. Plasters are rubbish these days, there's hardly enough adhesive on them to keep them stuck. Thankfully, I'm a 24-hour healer :-)

On my way back to base I drove across Waterloo bridge and saw another drunk Chinaman. He was hanging over the bridge, waving at the water and shouting (I assume) obscenities at the boats. I see a trend developing.

Be safe.